Sunday, August 28, 2011

It's almost Raya. Isn't it?

Assalamualaikum and good morning

It's already 28th of Ramadan and after this we as Muslims gonna celebrate Eid or in Malay, Hari Raya.
And seriously I think I'm not gonna celebrate it too much this year. Maybe I think I don't deserve to celebrate the month of celebrations, after a month fasting from dawn to the dusk, everyday. But with exception for those who cannot fast in Ramadan for various reasons.

For kids, celebrating Raya would be meaningful IF they are fasting for the whole month, eventhough they didn't reach puberty yet.
I looked upon myself and asked myself.
I'm already 19 going 20, but then I only manage to fast, but not really doing things that may help me in gaining rewards or deeds from Allah S.W.T. such as Taraweeh prayer, recite the holy Quran, etc.
These things really make me awful as I can't keep on the momentum, and discipline myself in doing all those.
It should be like this...

Raya (kids) : 30 days of fasting
Raya (youth and adults) : 30 days of fasting + plus other things that lead to deeds/rewards

That's why I'm not enjoying Raya this time. I feel ashamed of myself. A LOT.

One more thing, I'm going to further my studies in UiTM. Yes, again. Last time I studied foundation in TESL for two semesters, and I'm on my way for degree in TESL.

Same course,
Same college (insya-Allah, I really hope I can stay in Meranti College until the end of degree),
Same faculty
Same university

For 5 years...=l
A year of foundation and 4 years of degree.

Here am I, 'busy' going online, playing video games, and handling these documents. *sigh*

Not to forget, I must get 3.5  and above because I already promised to her.
But actually I must get 3.75 above to enable me to change the PTPTN loan into scholarship and get the opportunity to study overseas. That's my dream, and if there's God will, I will bring her along with me.

And yeah, it's more than a month we've been together. I really hope we can make it until the end of our life.
27th of July is the date. I love you. Sorry for not being there for you. I'll change. I promise.

Anyway, Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri for you guys. Forgive me for all the wrongdoings okay?

P.S : I think I already 'retired' drom playing firecrackers, and that's why I can't stand hearing those firecrackers explodes. xD

Saturday, August 13, 2011

Just To Relieve Myself =) [Part II]

Assalamualaikum and good morning

This is the continuation from the previous post, Just to reduce the pain that I feel inside...

X...she is still thinking about her ex-boyfriend. But I learned that the boy won't come back for her for several reasons. But she never gives up and I don't want her to hurt herself. The first time I liked her when she was another boy from her university, lets call him L. When she was still with L, I am the one who listened to her problems, helping her too. At that particular time, I was pitying her for her love problems and suddenly in my heart, I said that I won't hurt her feelings anymore if I had the chance to be with her.

But when I was too busy with my life, there comes her latest ex-boyfriend that she couldn't resist until now. So lets call him N. N leave him and make her life miserable. If I'm right, she got a total of 3 boyfriends that have made her life miserable, but I only mentioning two of them out of three.

I just won't do that to her...T_T...But now I'm hurt, deeply inside. She had made an incision to my heart as I was trying my best to mend her broken heart, to wipe her tears...I just wanna make her happy...But she still wants to end our relationship.

I just wanna be her hero...To make her happy. But when she did this to me, I am in pain, in a deep pain. I know that she still loves me, miss me because I love her and miss her too. She didn't want to be honest with herself by forcing herself to end this relationship. That's the worst part. Before this I'm in love with girls too, but they didn't want to accept my love and love me back. But X is different. Totally different and that's why my feelings for her growth rapidly and it just wouldn't stop.T_T....And for girls that accidentally in love with me, I'm sorry that I just can't create any love feeling for you guys...I'm sorry...My bad...

Here I am now craving for her love as I love her so much. I want to end her suffer. I don't want her to stuck up with other guys hurt herself again...I just can't let that happen...I want her to be safe with me. But if X and N goes back together, it's alright because I know N is better than me. The problem is, N would never go back to X. I don't want her to keep sad just because of N and to be hurt in the future, with other guys. I am sincerely loving her because I want to these things from happening.

She treats me like a man. I stopped smoking from 1st of August because of her. I'm afraid that if I am too much in pain, I will light up the cigarette back. Only she can stop me from doing this....I don't want to smoke, but the pain inside my chest, it is in my heart, forcing me to smoke to put out myself from heartache...T_T...I am like standing on a cliff and if I jump, I smoke again...only she can hold my hand, pull me close to her, and embrace me...

I don't want to jump...but...

She said I'm too good for her. I feel the opposite. I am not the best for her, but I want to make her happy with all my might. I've never been loved by a girl like this before. That's why I love her so much. I'm hoping that she will accept me back into her life as I feel very lonely and I'm hurt for every second, literally.

For now...I am so sad.

I'm failing...take my hand, I'll be there for you as long you don't leave me

Not Yet...

Assalamualaikum and good morning

This post is about the person that I love, Mama. She's the one who took care of me in her house, she's my neighbor, she's my nanny basically.
But, all the love, care and attention from her, have made me and her family become close to me, until now.
You guys can go this link:
I already wrote about the close relationship between me and them.

On the 21st of July 2011, I went to my brother's house in Subang because I was informed by Kakak Na and Kakak Rin that Mama was sick. I arrived in Shah Alam around 6 am, and later on, I went to University Malaya Medical Center (UMMC) in the evening. And after that day, I went to UMMC for almost every day until  30th of July. Except for Saturday and Sunday because I helped my brother, selling drinks to the immigrants from Bangladesh, Nepal, Philippine, Myanmar and Indonesia who came to line up at the Immigration Building in Putrajaya to sign in as legal workers.

Sometimes I went as early as 8 a.m., and sometimes I went during afternoon because I woke up late. I will go back to my brother's house around 6 p.m. until 8 p.m., depends on my mood. I had to face lousy cars, busy roads, full of jam, and not forget to mention, some stupid and uncivilized drivers who raised my blood pressure when I was riding my brother's bike. The journey took me around 30 minutes to 45 minutes, depending on the condition of the road.

I have to pass through all of these to visit Mama. I just want to show my love to her, and I want to spend my time for her remaining life. That's my intention from the beginning. Because I have to face the reality, the truth about life....and the truth hurts. Truth is always bitter. Kakak Na and Kakak Rin wouldn't tell me her real condition until I had to ask the doctor myself. They said that her team is only providing comfort and lessen her pain while she was still alive. The cancer spread to her backbone and liver. Back in 2009, the breast cancer was in level 2, she did her chemotherapy few times until she was bald. I thought it was the end. But unfortunately in early 2011, she had a backbone disease that makes her can't move around. She only can lie down on her bed.

14th of July is the date when she was admitted into the hospital. At first she was fine because she still can talk and made some jokes. Later on the doctor gave her such a massive amount of Morphine and she was sleeping all day long. It's like she was unconscious and only opened up her eyes sometimes. When I came, her face was already yellow, this is due to the cancer cells which have spread to her liver, and also backbone. It was at the level 4 for God sake.

I took care of her. Gave her drinks when she needs it. Holding her cold hands and fingers. I managed to kiss her cheek although she was sleeping at that very moment. My tears were covering my eyes as her tears were rolling down her cheeks. I didn't want her to be tortured like that. Her pain is almost unbearable. I can see it through her eyes, listening from the words coming from her mouth. Painkillers were given in a right dose as the doctors don't want her to be too relaxed, she will sleep all day long or if the dose is less, she will be in pain.

When she had already completed her antibiotic, the doctor said that she can be taken to home because only painkillers will be provided until the rest of her remaining life. It was also the time where Kakak Rin and Kakak Na have to make a right decision and at the same time , she doesn't open her eyes. She sleeps all the day. She doesn't want to eat and drink anything. On the third day she was acting like that, that was the day she closed her eyes forever. 30th of July 2011 at the age of 55.

Sad face is all I can give

I rushed to Sungai Buloh that afternoon, to her house. Her body will arrive around 5 p.m. and I arrived at 3.40 p.m. I saw many of her relatives that I knew before, and some that I didn't recognize. I also met some  of my old neighbors from Quarters of Agriculture Department in Serdang. I smoked. I didn't eat a thing since morning. Mama's nephew, Nazmi bought me an orange juice. Her body arrived, I only can look from outside of the house, there were too many people. After she got bathed (Muslim's body must be bathed before buried), I was unable to carry her body into the van, which will later on bring her to the nearest Mosque to get prayed. I went there by car and I when we arrived, they already finished praying for her and headed to the graveyard. There, I saw many people burst into tears. But I just don't know why I can't help myself, crying for her.

That night, I went back to my brother's house...I still didn't cry until now. I don't know why... But it  makes me uneasy as it makes me feel I'm not a normal person. But when I think about it deeply, I know that I had already given her my best, by accompanying her through her remaining life. Many people that met me when she was sick and the day she died told me that my name was always coming out of her mouth before she was sick. She loves me, and I love her too. I want her to be with us, throughout my life, but I can't stand looking her condition like that. The pain was so unbearable that I was thinking that I am letting her to go to meet Allah, because Allah loves her more than I do.

Until now...I didn't cry yet. Not yet.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Mysterious Heroes Are Always Cool

Assalamualaikum and good evening.

Yeah! Suddenly I got the guts to carry on my responsibilities to post new entries in this blog! >.<
Okay, stop playing around. =)

Kamen Rider or Masked Rider is one of my favorite masked heroes. Because they're mysterious in a way and it is cool!!!

The title says it all. Mysterious heroes are always cool. Seriously. Heroes are everywhere. They are all around you actually. It is you who don't discover them yet. Eventhough they can't fly, they can't lift heavy objects easily, that doesn't mean that they cannot be our heroes. Heroes are not just in comic books. People around you can be your heroes when you respect them more than other people.

The story starts when I went for for Taraweeh prayer, last week I guess. Taraweeh prayer is a special prayer for Muslims in Ramadan month. After we finished Isha' (night) prayer, we stop for a while, to hear for a talk from the committee members of the mosque. He talked a lot, but this one attracts me from sleeping while sitting, waiting for the Taraweeh prayer.

"There's a slave of Allah who comes infront, in the first row for almost every Taraweeh prayer. He's a good man, a man who have a strong heart and soul. Because he used to be a normal person, just like us. Starts his motorcycle with right leg and parked it with his left leg. But Allah tested him. He was given a disease (diabetes) an he had to cut off one of his legs. He's heart is strong, indeed, because I still seeing him coming everyday for Taraweeh prayer (front row), in Subuh (dawn) prayer, sometimes for Zuhr (afternoon) prayer and Asr (evening) prayer because maybe during that time, he was bit busy. He is still coming to Mosque although he had to face that kind of condition. Can you guys imagine if you become like him, with one leg and the other one is a prosthetic leg, would you guys come to Mosque like he did? He was born to strive in Islam's pathway, a pathway that pleased and blessed by Allah. I'll not mention his name as we must make his test as our reminder, not by idolizing him. May Allah bless all his strives all this while."

I was like...raised my head up when I heard about this. Suddenly I realized that this man is actually my friend's father and his younger brother is sitting at the back row. He already put prosthetic leg on and it costs him thousands of Malaysian Ringgit. But he used it well, to submit himself to Allah.

I asked myself. Me as a normal human being, always give reasons why I'm so lazy to go to the Mosque. While he already lost his leg, coming for Mosque, craving for deeds that are promised by Allah. It is my laziness inside that stunted my intention to go there. If I'm not lazy, with Allah's will, I will go there for every prayer. When it comes to cinemas, karaoke, and other places, there's no word such as 'lazy' popped out from my mind. This is bad. =(

Salaat in congregation will offers us 27x more rewards rather than usual. Besides, Prophet Muhammad P.B.U.H in his life always encourage Muslims to pray in congregation, which can easily attained by going to the Mosque. Besides, I always believe that true Muslim men will come to the Mosque to perform their prayer. How I wish to become a true Muslim man one day...=)

I already put him as my role model in life. And the best part is, I know who he is...=P

So, in this blessed month, Ramadan, let us keep coming to the Mosque to perform prayers.
This is also a reminder to myself.

Don't be a slave for Ramadan by doing good deeds only for this time around,
but be a slave of Allah by doing good deeds in this Ramadan and for the rest of our life.


Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Just To Relieve Myself =)

Assalamualaikum and good morning

I don't know why I'm doing this entry. Hahaha. For all the dear readers, sorry that I didn't make new posts for such a long time. There's a lot to tell to you guys, if you like to. But hey, give me sometime to crack up my brain. Somehow I am lost and I don't know how to start! xD

Recently, I was busy because I was fall in love again. I don't know why.

But somehow I chatted with her and we became closer than before. But I knew she can't forget her ex boyfriend. It's fine with me, because I realized that I must bare the consequences if I get closer to her. I don't know what to say but it seems that I love her so much. Another girl that I've been waiting for almost 4 years was vanished from my thought. Can you imagine, a girl that that I have been waiting from 15 years old until this year was out of my head.

To prevent things from become complicated, lets give the girl that I'm in love is, X. Before I told my mum about X, she was worried about my education since X always called and text me through my cell phone. She was worried that I couldn't focus on my studies. I was so daft at that time to tell X about this and later on, she told her mother that my my mother was worried. Got it? Later on that morning, I told my mother about X and she understands. If I can study hard and prove it to my mum by having good results in degree, that's fine. I told her I will manage my time wisely. Surprisingly, she is interested with X.

On the other hand, X's mother wants us to be friends because she's afraid that X will be blamed if I got bad results. X is so obedient to her mother because I told her to explain to her mum but she refuses. The relationship was getting worse when she still remember about the girl that I've waited before. She was accusing me and it hurts me a lot. Although I was accused, I don't ask her about her ex boyfriend because I know she just can't get over him yet.

I love her
I love her every second
I love her more everyday
I love her more than I can say
I love her so much
oh my God.....
I love her too much

I told her that I won't leave her. I have the responsibility for my own promises. I won't leave her like her previous boyfriends. But it turned out to be she's the one who want's to leave me. She said that she wants us to be friends. I'm just afraid that I will lost her love after this and she will find another guy. My heart is not a toy to play with. Once I'm in love, deeply, I tried so heard that my chest will be in pain until she truly doesn't have any feelings for me. One more thing, our friend, a boy is always disturb her. I already told X that I want to tell to the boy that she's mine, but she is just too kind, didn't want to hurt his heart.

My mom knows about us, her parents know about us. I already challenged myself to have good results so that I will get the chance to study abroad, along with her. Besides, with her motivation, I managed to stop smoking since the first of Ramadhan. There's a lot of things that she managed to make me change, and I don't want all the changes go to waste if I'm too sad with this relationship. I hope she really thinks properly of every actions that she's doing for our relationship. I really serious about this. All of these are not only promises, but I will prove it. As long as she's still loves me. If she loves another guy, then I have to give up for this relationship.

I hope she can accept me back although I am not as handsome as the other guys. I am a bad guy. I do have lots of problems in my life. There are so many defects within me. But, I love her with all my heart. I miss her so deeply when she's not around me. She's the one who understands me and want to hear all my abstruse problems.

Only Allah knows my feelings for her

And yes, thanks for my dear Ps3 which comforts me whenever I stressed