Not Yet...

Assalamualaikum and good morning

This post is about the person that I love, Mama. She's the one who took care of me in her house, she's my neighbor, she's my nanny basically.
But, all the love, care and attention from her, have made me and her family become close to me, until now.
You guys can go this link: http://rojak-terbaik.blogspot.com/2011/04/regret-will-never-end.html
I already wrote about the close relationship between me and them.

On the 21st of July 2011, I went to my brother's house in Subang because I was informed by Kakak Na and Kakak Rin that Mama was sick. I arrived in Shah Alam around 6 am, and later on, I went to University Malaya Medical Center (UMMC) in the evening. And after that day, I went to UMMC for almost every day until  30th of July. Except for Saturday and Sunday because I helped my brother, selling drinks to the immigrants from Bangladesh, Nepal, Philippine, Myanmar and Indonesia who came to line up at the Immigration Building in Putrajaya to sign in as legal workers.

Sometimes I went as early as 8 a.m., and sometimes I went during afternoon because I woke up late. I will go back to my brother's house around 6 p.m. until 8 p.m., depends on my mood. I had to face lousy cars, busy roads, full of jam, and not forget to mention, some stupid and uncivilized drivers who raised my blood pressure when I was riding my brother's bike. The journey took me around 30 minutes to 45 minutes, depending on the condition of the road.

I have to pass through all of these to visit Mama. I just want to show my love to her, and I want to spend my time for her remaining life. That's my intention from the beginning. Because I have to face the reality, the truth about life....and the truth hurts. Truth is always bitter. Kakak Na and Kakak Rin wouldn't tell me her real condition until I had to ask the doctor myself. They said that her team is only providing comfort and lessen her pain while she was still alive. The cancer spread to her backbone and liver. Back in 2009, the breast cancer was in level 2, she did her chemotherapy few times until she was bald. I thought it was the end. But unfortunately in early 2011, she had a backbone disease that makes her can't move around. She only can lie down on her bed.

14th of July is the date when she was admitted into the hospital. At first she was fine because she still can talk and made some jokes. Later on the doctor gave her such a massive amount of Morphine and she was sleeping all day long. It's like she was unconscious and only opened up her eyes sometimes. When I came, her face was already yellow, this is due to the cancer cells which have spread to her liver, and also backbone. It was at the level 4 for God sake.

I took care of her. Gave her drinks when she needs it. Holding her cold hands and fingers. I managed to kiss her cheek although she was sleeping at that very moment. My tears were covering my eyes as her tears were rolling down her cheeks. I didn't want her to be tortured like that. Her pain is almost unbearable. I can see it through her eyes, listening from the words coming from her mouth. Painkillers were given in a right dose as the doctors don't want her to be too relaxed, she will sleep all day long or if the dose is less, she will be in pain.

When she had already completed her antibiotic, the doctor said that she can be taken to home because only painkillers will be provided until the rest of her remaining life. It was also the time where Kakak Rin and Kakak Na have to make a right decision and at the same time , she doesn't open her eyes. She sleeps all the day. She doesn't want to eat and drink anything. On the third day she was acting like that, that was the day she closed her eyes forever. 30th of July 2011 at the age of 55.

Sad face is all I can give

I rushed to Sungai Buloh that afternoon, to her house. Her body will arrive around 5 p.m. and I arrived at 3.40 p.m. I saw many of her relatives that I knew before, and some that I didn't recognize. I also met some  of my old neighbors from Quarters of Agriculture Department in Serdang. I smoked. I didn't eat a thing since morning. Mama's nephew, Nazmi bought me an orange juice. Her body arrived, I only can look from outside of the house, there were too many people. After she got bathed (Muslim's body must be bathed before buried), I was unable to carry her body into the van, which will later on bring her to the nearest Mosque to get prayed. I went there by car and I when we arrived, they already finished praying for her and headed to the graveyard. There, I saw many people burst into tears. But I just don't know why I can't help myself, crying for her.

That night, I went back to my brother's house...I still didn't cry until now. I don't know why... But it  makes me uneasy as it makes me feel I'm not a normal person. But when I think about it deeply, I know that I had already given her my best, by accompanying her through her remaining life. Many people that met me when she was sick and the day she died told me that my name was always coming out of her mouth before she was sick. She loves me, and I love her too. I want her to be with us, throughout my life, but I can't stand looking her condition like that. The pain was so unbearable that I was thinking that I am letting her to go to meet Allah, because Allah loves her more than I do.

Until now...I didn't cry yet. Not yet.